1. Love

"We accept the love that we think we deserve." - Steven Chbosky The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Of all the quotes about love that I've heard throughout my life, this one has stuck with me since I was 12 - before I even knew what love really was. But, as time went on, I found myself relating more and more to it as I experienced "love".

You see, after a series of draining relationships, I came to the conclusion that I was someone who was always going to give more love than I was going to receive. Not to say that I've never been loved - I have. But they just never seemed to give me as much as I was giving them. Which I don't think is their fault - I understand that they were giving me everything that they had. Or at least everything that they could give. When it comes to my side of things, I couldn't not give them everything I had as it's not in my nature to half-ass things. And this is how all of my relationships were. I would give and give until I had nothing left in my heart and the relationship that I'd worked so hard to build would eventually crumble and wither away.

After several of these types of situations, I accepted it. I was always going to be the lover in the relationship and the other person would be lucky enough to have me. I accepted that I was worthy of less than what I gave. This idea affected not only how I felt about relationships and partners, but also how I viewed myself. I made me feel small - like I was even less than the love that I had a habit of choosing.

I had become used to shrinking myself and hoping for less than what I deserved.

That is, of course, until I met him.

He came out of nowhere. Instead of begging and fighting, he flew halfway across the world for me and asked for nothing in return. He got me water when I asked and made sure I ate more than one meal a day. He asked what I enjoyed and even invested time into trying to enjoy those things as well.

I had just ended a 4 year relationship and was trying to put myself and my life back together when he showed up. It was out of the blue - I wasn't looking for anything at all. And yet, there he was - with a perfect smile and curly brown hair. I had my Half Alive moment, "I found love where it wasn't supposed to be. Right in front of me." And it was simply perfect.

He doesn't mind that I was, and still am, a mess. He doesn't mind that I spend entire days in bed. He doesn't mind that I get sad. He's there with kind words and goofy Instagram Reels when I need them.

I can't say that what I feel for him is love. But I can say that I feel valued, appreciated, and cared for. Which, I suppose, when it comes down to it, might be what love is all about. Maybe "love" is just an umbrella term for all the things that we need and that make us feel feel better. The little things - being listened to, being seen, laughing at the same jokes. After all, love is a relatively subjective term and varies from person to person. Which is truly beautiful when you think about it.

But I had convinced myself that my love was self-sacrifice and pain. I wasn't sure what I'd done, but that is the love that I'd decided I deserved. But it's not. My love is 2-hour FaceTimes and phone calls as alarm clocks. It's 20 hour flights and 15 hours time zone differences. It's getting as much effort and care back as I put in. He changed my mind. I am worthy of a love that rivals my own. I am worthy of a love that feeds me, rather than depletes me until there is simply nothing left.

Maybe we all carry an idea of the love we think we deserve. But that doesn’t make it true. The truth is—love can be gentle. It can show up unannounced, hold your hand when you’re falling apart, and quietly teach you that you were always worthy of more. And w

e’re allowed to ask for more, to expect softness, to unlearn what hurt us. Because accepting less doesn’t mean we deserve less.